One year of maternity leave

As my maternity leave comes to a close, I am feeling a lot of different emotions, the most palpable of which is sorrow. I can't believe my baby boy is going to be one year old soon, and we will have to be apart for nine hours each weekday. I'm really, really struggling with this. How can anyone expect me to be away from him in that capacity? I am all he has known for the last ten months and it breaks my heart to know that he will have to spend five whole days a week without me.

I'm struggling so much with this idea of being away from my baby that I am having a very hard time enjoying the rest of my maternity leave. Looking back on this time, I don't want to think I wasted my last two months by being sad. So in an effort to make the most of our time, I am going to try to do the following things.

- enjoy waking up in the morning knowing I get to spend the entire day with my little boy.

- enjoy waking up as late as 8:00 am and know that I can take my time getting out of bed, getting a glass of water and a snack, and really take the time to gently wake up while Jacob plays in his crib. When I go back to work I will have to wake by alarm (even earlier), and race around trying to get myself and my baby ready to leave the house on time. I'm so lucky to have a child who is content to play in his crib in the mornings and doesn't cry out.

- savour all the moments I get to be in my own home all day long - I can spend time in the morning in bed with my baby, lounge on the couch in my pjs while he plays, workout whenever I want to, make lunch or bake whenever I want in my own kitchen, listen to CBC radio in the middle of the afternoon.

- get groceries in the middle of the day.

- know that whenever baby naps is pretty much a good time for me to nap too.

- know that this day with Jacob can be spent cocooned in our warm house, never having to leave, in our pajamas if we want. We can nurse and cuddle and hug and dance and babywear and play toys together, as much as we want. I don't need to shower, or style my hair, or put on makeup.

- enjoy the little things like when he smiles at me, or reaches for me, or leans his head on my chest. Really take the time to enjoy these things.

- savour all of the sweet breastfeeding moments - when he rests his little hands on my chest, when he makes satisfied noises during a feed, when he interlaces his hands, when he closes his eyes and focuses on what he is doing.

- watch him crawl. Watch him see something he wants, and go for it. And enjoy the smile that usually accompanies this moment.

-enjoy the weekends, knowing that right now I don't need to use them as "my only two days off to get things done". I can enjoy family time on the weekend without having to take care of other things that I neglected during the week.

I have really enjoyed this past year and getting to know my baby. And I want to really enjoy the next five weeks, too.